advice (off subject)

So I know this is totally off subject, but I know how good you girls are at offering advice and really have no one else to turn to. I know this is long but could really do with advice/help.

So I have been suffering from domestic violence for 9 years from my husband. We have two kids and been together 9 years and have been married for 7 years. I have always known its wrong but have felt ashamed. He has cheated on me 3 times that I know of. The first time he left me and said he was too ashamed but then come back to me. The second time he moved out but then moved back in about 6 months later. The last time he went for a walk to get his head together come back hours later but I never let him in and then him and the other woman rented a flat together. He got hooked on drugs with her and started beating her up. He was on deaths door with the drugs so I paid for him to got to Spain to get clean and after I said he could come back home if he ended it with the other woman. After 6 weeks I found out he hadn’t stopped seeing her so I asked him to leave, he beat me up and split my head open. He still wouldn’t leave. The next week I told him I still wanted him to leave. He said he was going out with his uncle and did I want him to come back and I said no. He turned up braying on door at 2.30 in the morning, I stupidly let him in he ended up holding a knife to me then asked where the phone charger was. He went to go get the charger and I ran out of the house and phoned the police. He was arrested and held in police station overnight, they also held him the following night and he went to the court next morning to give his verdict. He pleaded guilty and was given bail.

His mother text to say we would be able to speak more after the court date bla bla and I was like yer fair enough he must be staying at hers so shes gonna wait till court date has been to see kids etc.

Well I found out he wasn’t staying at hers and hes staying at his cousins so don’t know why she said she couldn’t speak now bla bla.
So today I text her to ask if hes off drugs so I can recommend to social services that he sees the kids and she replied with clean as far as I am aware and said that a drugs test would prove either way. So I replied and said I am sure it will and that she has made it perfectly clear that she don’t give a toss about the kids (hasn’t asked about them been in touch etc.

She told me I was using the kids as pawns just because I don’t know where he is, even though I do no where he is the issue is that he is not at hers therefore she has no valid reason not to see the kids or ask after them. She said I am to blame and that no one other than me but the kids at risk. And she also said that she had told me not to take him back and I did and I have made the kids suffer and no one else. And said my true colours are coming out.

I am so upset that she aint bothered about the kids. She has seen them 3 times this year and she has the cheek to say I have put my kids at risk and I am using them as pawns. It just clearly states to me that she aint bothered about them. I accept I shouldn’t have taken him back but unless you have been through domestic violence you just cant understand.

Hey hun, do you mind if I add? Xx

of course not, I have sent you a friend request.

Iv private messaged you hun x

Thanks Jess

Sounds to me that his mother is just as bad and manipulating you to take the blame. Categorically you are not to blame in anyway. Be a good mother to the kids and let him prove to social services himself he is fit to see them. While kids deserve a father at this point he doesn’t sound like a good influence in their lives….it’s his job to prove his worth not yours. Keep strong.

Thanks Nicole. What you’re saying I totally agree with it but when his mother says things like that you question yourself and think gosh I am to blame.

Earlier in the year he was dealing and taking drugs. He lived away from home for 4 months and during that time he went to New York with his new girlfriend, has only paid me £200 for the kids and has only seen them on his own once.

Hi hun @laura if you need a shoulder or advice, please pm me, ive been through dv myself and work for the police just let me know if i can help in anyway x

Thanks Nina.

Your welcome hun, dont think your on your own ok x

Take the help that’s out there. The abuse is mental as well as physical…sound like nina will be able to help point you in the right direction!

@nicole i will try, ill help anyone if i can, seen things from,both sides x

Yes it is mental aswel as physical, think the physical is easy to see for obvious reasons but you cant see the mental side.

I have sent you a private message Nina.

Ok hun x

I know how u feel hun im only 21 and have had a tragic past but ive come out stronger than ever.
I didnt end it he left me but if it wasnt for him leaving id be in the same problem.
Take nina’s help if i had that 3 years ago i would of took it xx

And tbh the pysical i got through but the mental is what drove me to wanting to change myself so much.
The mental side of it i battle with every day but it does get easier its been 3 years now and its finally bareable if u need someone to talk to im here. I know im only young but ive had to grow up quick xx

Thanks ALB its nice to hear your on the other side now and things are easier for you. Im not that old, Im 26 but sometimes I feel like im 56lol.

Yeah i was 17 when it started it was terrible.time but now im 21 with a beautiful son a amazing bf and a lovely pair of boobs xx
I know its bizarre but this boob job helped so much its like i got rid of the old me and the old past xx
The old shell he used to hurt and mock is gone xx

It does make you grow up quicker i never got to wnjoy being 18 or young was never allowed out lol xx

It does get better itll get alot shitter at first but youll over come it and be a stronger better lady xx

Hi Laura I totally understand what your going through and I think to be honest even tho its not right a mother will always stick up for her son even if he has done worng my sons father beat me for 3 years but I just coulddt tell anyone he always acted so nice infront of every1 untill that front door shut! The only way I got away was one morning my neighbour heard him beating me as I was screaming he broke my jaw while I was holding our 7 month old son 🙁 he is now im prison thank god. If you want a private chat message me hun. Big hugs us girls nees to stick together xx

Ps I forgot to say his mother blamed me too! Xx

Laura, please seek help.. Don’t let that man near you or your children if he so unstable.
Don’t ever think you’re alone. I know friends in police, they have a massive drive to stop domestic abuse. This is serious!
Most of all, divorce him! Change your number, don’t give it to his mum! She obviously won’t help you, or your children. Last time I had people trying to poison my life, I cut them out completely!
Put a court order against him and he should only have supervised visits.. I never trust people on drugs, they can flip like rabid dogs and I would be too scared to be alone with such a person let alone leave my children with him. I know you’d say he’s their dad etc… But men don’t often have the same parental instincts.. I’ve heard too many horror stories about dads hurting their kids out of spite.
Move away if you can… Your children would understand and thank you for it when they’re older. It must be more harmful for them to witness all the abuse..
Please seek help, there are organisations that could provide home for you and help..
Be strong for your children. You deserve better than that man and his crazy family.

Thank you for all the replies, they really do mean a lot.

Yana, the divorce has been going thru since January but hes not signed papers yet! He spat on last ones and ripped them up so hes been sent new ones.

He is going to court at end of month to be sentenced for 2 counts of assault.

I have support from social worker who isnt going to let him have unsupervised contact.

I also have the support of an organisation that helps women and children who have been thru thii

I am currently doing my degree, if by the end of it he hasnt sorted himself out for kids and isnt seeing them then I do believe we will make a fresh start and move down south where my sister loves.

Fantastic! It’s great to know you’re doing all the right things.With divorce papers I think even if he doesn’t sign them after a year or two of separation and because you have a good enough reason- the courts will grant you that as well.
And good luck with your degree! You can do it! I did mine when I turned 30, and had my 2nd child during it. In all fairness I had good support from my husband, but there’s no reason why you can’t do it and at some point find a good person to love and respect you as you deserve.
Keep strong and remember you’re never alone in any of it.
Xx

Yes I really want this divorce over and done with. He was supposed to be signing house over to me but he hasn’t done that yet either.

Thankyou for your kind words Yana:):):)

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